FACING DISAPPOINTMENT

 

This past week was really a trying one for me. There is a kind of piercing pain to the heart that comes with not getting what you know you deserved. Personally, it knocks me out. Being there but not there. Smiling but angry in spirit.

My first UTME, popularly known as Jamb was in 2010. Being me, I had read so well that I could answer any question thrown at me even while sleeping. I read at any opportunity, sometimes, I declined going to church because I wanted to read, and my parents would permit, as only book is an acceptable excuse. I read with candles, lamp and atupa (if you know, you know) as there was no privilege to generator. It paid off, I passed and with my padded shoulders I sat for post UTME for the two universities I had chosen and got amazing scores also.

I started preparing for uni life without waiting for list. I could picture myself being an independent youth. I got things with any money that touched my hands because I was 100% sure. Even the adults around me were certain that with my mark, I was already an undergraduate. BOOM! List was out and my name was no where to be found. Why? What happened? Who do we call or meet? I died a million times. My parents knew no one but God, (in there words). I cried, I was hurt, body, spirit and soul. I walked around lost. I got admission for a polytechnic and college of education without writing any of their post UTMEs because I chose them and my JAMB score was good enough. I refused to go, despite all pleadings from my dad. He called it pride😂. My family was there for me, it was like someone died. The pampering, the hugs, the encouragement, the kind words. I hated to fail in achieving my set out goals. After two weeks of emotional and psychological blackout, I returned with anger. My first major disappointment.

I had selected the same schools with an intention to over pass and leave them with no option but to pick me. My lesson coordinator forced me to change my options as I was not selected previously despite my high scores. I was in his office for the whole week with no other option and then he selected for me seeing I was lost. It worked, passed and became an undergraduate. Disappointment forgotten, flexing uni mood activated.

Things were going as planned, partied like mad, read like craze. I punished myself anytime I partied. I read twice as hard. An unknown voice would always say ‘is this what your parents suffered to get you here for?’ another one would whisper ‘you know you like feeling important, if you fail, you will be treated like trash’. This made me read like my life depended on it. Then I had an opposite bed neighbor whose mission was to see me read. She tormented me at any sign of closing my eyes to sleep.

Year 2, while repenting from partying I had my first D in a course I would have sworn with my blood I was expecting an A. I died in spirit for a second time. I called my parents and told them I was going on a mission of confrontation. I was begged out of it after funny advises but I was going mad. It was undeserved. I was lost for two all through that semester. Hid from my friends, always crying, was always at reading halls, I did not cook, only took snacks and drink and was down in spirit, soul and body. I survived again by drawing strength from my family. My parents were always on the phone with soothing words and prayers ( I always rolled my eyes at the prayers as the D was already there). My second major disappointment.

Things moved as planned, except little unexpected diversion and slow actualization of dreams I closed my eyes and dreamt of as a child/teenager. Mighty controller.

Some days ago, I was hit with a bigger disappointment. This feels worse than the previous emotional and psychological pain. Imagine working so hard towards something and then given an unjustifiable reason why your efforts will be pushed aside, only to realize it was never true. The yardstick used was only for personal reasons. The numb like actions are even causing me worse pain because there is no where to hide. Still have to smile but cold inside, still have to work but without a heart. I can’t even tell my parents this time around because I don’t want pity but I miss there attention. With all my facade of acting like things are fine, they would still know. My sister would have hugged me, my brothers would find a way to yab everyone involved and make me laugh uncontrollably. I think I miss having to let go and show my feelings, Now it’s about acting strong.

When the heartache feels worse at night, I let go and cry silently. Go into worship and feel myself crawling into God’s arms.

Will I ever be strong when faced with disappointment?